Up to this point

Well this is it, I have finally created my first blog. Some of you might say 'so what its just a blog' but to me it is much more than that.
This is the beginning of the rest of my life, a new me, the person that I know is inside just waiting to show herself.
I don't really know this person but she has been there my whole life, poking, prodding, and sometimes screaming
at me to be let out.
I'm scared, terrified even at times as I prepare to start down this road. I have put this off, procrastinated,
made excuses for so long, and now I know why... fear... fear of failing...
What if I'm not strong enough, not good enough to see this through. Do I have the drive, do I have the
determination needed.... I dont know...But what I do know is that I cannot do this alone.
Alone... I have been alone my whole life.
As a child being called fat makes you distance yourself from people.. even your friends. Then a 15 year marriage
of being told your not good enough, your useless, fat... there is that word again.. fat.. such a little word
with a huge impact.
After my marriage, then a failed relationship which took me to the lowest part of my life. Before that I couldn't
understand why people would turn to suicide, even tho I had gone through some tough times I would never have
even thought about it....Until then.... the depths of despair that was felt, the hopelessness, the failure.
I feel so much regret to have had my children see me like that. To have my then 14yr old son have to grow up
and look after his little sister and his mother. I clung to him.. he was my strength...IS my strength.
The kids lived on bread and roman noodles most of the time as being a single mother and not working all the
money i got went to rent and bills... there was never enough to actually go and buy proper food. But he
never complained. I would only eat when I remembered which was not very often. The only reason I would come out
of my bedroom would be to go to the toilet, and sad to say a shower was too much effort....thinking back now
I must have gone a month at one time without one....(yuk) but in my mind why should I bother.. no one wanted me,
I was ugly and fat and that was that.